Choices. Why do we choose what we choose?

Choices. Choices. Choices. Why do we choose what we choose?

You have no idea how many times I have heard things like oh, I was forced to do this or that, it was not up to me, you just don't understand I had no choice, etc. All I can say is that these statements are just BS because this is really not true; it is easier to believe that there is no other choice or another way. If you start analyzing your choices, you will quickly realize how fast you will start looking for explanations, or I'd rather often call them 'excuses', why you chose one thing or over another or made a decision about something. You will also see that you always have at least two options and you choose the one that is easier on you or based on your preferences and habits, the right choice (just not clear for who), or you'd just pick one randomly.

You make choices hundreds times a day... a cup of coffee over a cup of tea, to go to a store, which brand or what quantity of milk to buy, meat over fish or vs., which route to take to work, to stop at a yellow light or keep going, what house to buy, or maybe to buy a town home over a house, what car to buy, who to go to lunch with, to tell the truth or to hide things, who to talk to when you feel down or maybe just have an alone time, who to date or who to live with, whose side to take, to hurt someone or not, to be genuine, etc.

No matter what it is, it is always your choice. Nothing and no one can make you choose, only you.

No one is usually holding a gun against your head and making you choose; well, I could agree that there can be certain circumstances when someone could hold a gun, but then again, you'd make a choice to surrender or flight. Similarly, when you make a crime and you're put in jail, you may say that you're forced to go to jail, but again, this is already a consequence of your previous choices - to commit a crime or not.

Often people are not happy about the decisions or choices they make, but they do not changing anything. Wonder why? The answer is simple. It is easier this way.

It is like a choice to be happy; it is easier to be miserable or angry than work on yourself, clear yourself and eliminate negativity. However, often you do not realize that it takes about the same amount of energy to stay miserable or be happy. Which one you think is easier - to tell the truth and sometimes face the consequences or to lie? I say - to lie. People make tons of excuses why they lie, such as they don't want to hurt another person, maybe they would not otherwise get a job or get approved for a car loan because they are not as qualified as they said, the life may get more difficult and less predictable, or maybe they simply don't have guts to tell the truth.

When you are not happy with the decisions you make, always look for real reasons. If you choose to stay in the situation that you do not like, there MUST be something that is working for you in that situation, otherwise, you'd be long gone. Let's say you try a new food, you put it into mouth and the taste is sooo awful that you're about to puke. What do you do? My guess is that you spit it out. If it tasted OK, there is a chance that you finish the bite.

So here you go,when you think a situation does not work for you (e.g. bad tasting food), you eliminate yourself from that situation and make a different choice. However, when there is something that works for you in a not so favorable situation, you may choose to stay in it.

Finally, sometimes you make certain decisions because you are not aware of the alternatives; you simply may not be able to see other possible options at that particular moment in time. This is usually caused by lack of knowledge, being too close to a situation, not willing to explore or laziness, or it can be caused by your fear that can blind you from seeing the different possibilities. Just remember, it is always up to you to look for better decisions or choices, and if you cannot find them within you, look outside - learn things, expand your knowledge, talk to people, see how others dealing with similar situations, etc.

So what about you? What choices do you make? Do you blame other people or circumstances for making the choices that you are not very happy about? Do you usually choose an easier route?

3 Simple Steps to Eliminate the FEAR

 3 Simple Steps to Eliminate the FEAR

How can you live in this world without having fear? If you fear of things, it means you are alive and can feel what is going on around you. As much as it sounds attractive to live with no fear, it is really not possible.

                Without fear – you are not human.

So it is normal to have some fears. You may be afraid of snakes or jumping out of an airplane, and there is nothing wrong with that. But you may also be afraid to appear stupid, be vulnerable, or not liked, or have fear of failure, rejection, or public speaking. These fears create anxiety -- they are not healthy.

Therefore, the greatest challenge we face is overcoming fears that hold us back from achieving our goals in business or life and sabotage growth or our ability to make changes that last.

 

There are “normal” and extreme cases when it comes to fear and anxiety. To nervous and obsessive people fears have not only the physical (e.g. rapid breathing, tightened chest, sweaty palms), but also mental affect - danger is attached to usually “normal” physical symptoms of fear. These feelings and affects can usually be minimized or eliminated only through extensive therapy, therefore, will not be discussed in this report.

Here are 3 simple steps that will help you overcome your fears:

1. Analyze
2. Control
3. Transform

               

I.            ANALYZE

1. Acknowledge & Write Down

The first step is to understand and accept that you have fear. Describe it as best as you can and write everything down. This may sound silly, but writing things down actually proves to be very effective when analyzing intangible things like emotions.

               

By writing fears or what you are anxious about down, you not only have to think, but this process will also enable you to make things more real and clear in your head to acknowledge and accept them. In addition, writing things down can tremendously increase the possibility of a positive change – to eliminate the fear.

 

2.   Identify

You need to know where the fear or anxiety is coming from, what or    who activates it, and how to stop or at least minimize it.

Ø      Source. Where did your fear come from? You may be afraid that you will not succeed or fail, and that could be a reason why you procrastinate to start your own business. All this may be happen because you had a friend who was not successful in his business and this fact prevents you from acting. Fear can also be caused by insecurity, unfamiliarity, or lack of exposure to certain situations. You may get anxious when going to an interview because you do not know what to expect or questions to may get asked.

               

Ø      Triggers. You also need to know what exactly triggers fear each time. If you do not feel comfortable with public speaking, every time you need to deliver a presentation, you will feel anxious.

Think also how the source and triggers make you feel. Fear of flying may prevent you from traveling or visiting your family. There are various triggers and affects, so you really need to get to the bottom of those to fully understand what is going on and how fears resurface. Identify the source and triggers and, depending on a situation, adjust to or eliminate them.

3. Evaluate Outcomes

When you know what you fear and how it influences you, visualize the best and worst case scenarios and the reality of those happening. If you think your fear is commitment, analyze what would happen if you commit to a relationship and if you don’t or whether “commitment” per say is the real fear. You may be afraid of being hurt or ending up alone if a relationship does not work out. But you may also end up being very happy if you let yourself feel, be vulnerable and open to a relationship.

Compare possible end results and see what you would rather have – an attempt to happiness or regret that you never tried. I am pretty sure you know the answer by now.

 

II.            CONTROL

 

1. Control Your Imagination

Acknowledgement is a huge step. So knowing what, who and why you fear already gets far ahead. Every time you have those thoughts and feelings, stop the inner monologue and redirect your thoughts.

At first, you may not be successful, but with time you will learn to handle them better and better. If you need to meet a new potential client, you may feel uncomfortable and afraid that you may not be able to close the deal. Yes, this may happen, but the situation itself should not make you feel anxious.

Identify the possible outcomes and accept them. Once you accept what may or may not happen, detach yourself from the outcome. Letting go of the fears will allow you to focus more on the present moment and less on the fear itself; it will make you feel in charge of the situation and not let emotions control you.

 

2. Confront Your Fear

Sometimes fear of the unknown affects us the most. So by familiarizing yourself with a possible situation or whatever you fear of, you may diminish your fear at least in half.

Wouldn’t that be great?

You may be afraid of or anxious about big dogs because you never had one. So you have created an image and a story inside your head that they look scary and that they may attack you. In this case it would be a good idea to find a closed-in dogs’ park to observe them from outside.

First, get used to seeing them how they interact with each other and with people from distance. Then after several observations you may go into the closed-in area and get closer to dogs. You would be very pleasantly surprised that after a while you may even like them and want to own one.

Try confronting what you fear. Take this chance and you might end up liking what you feared the most.

3. Do Not Deviate. 

Surroundings influence us and our decisions. So if you want to go out of your comfort zone and try or achieve new things, go for it. Just figure out what you really want and how to get there. Have a plan and do not let anyone or anything to hold you back. Set your mind to it and be focused on where you want to be.

If you feel that you have drifted, just gather yourself and refocus; we all get off the course sometimes.

III.             TRANSFORM

                    1.            Imagine / Visualize

After you know your fear and what causes it, now you need to set your mind and think how you want things to change. Visualize a possible outcome and “practice” it (e.g. performing a task) in your mind.  If you want to change a career, but you’re constantly afraid that you may not find a job that you like, then you may not succeed at it. But if you get necessary education and skill-set, and actually believe that you can do this and take steps towards this goal, you will be successful.

Scientists show that perceptual learning can occur by mental imagery as much as by the real thing. The results suggest that thinking about something over and over again could actually be as good as doing it.

But always stay positive; if you have only negative thoughts, you can easily implant “failure” into the brain.

2. Transform Fear Into An Opportunity & Positive Drive

Fear can incite a feeling of exhilaration or thrill (e.g. horror movies or extreme sports), and some of us need that to live life to the fullest.

Fear is often directly related to what we desire or who we want to become. Shifting your focus and re-framing fear into a positive can open different opportunities in your life or business.

If you are an introvert, you may not be feeling very comfortable with the crowds. However, it should not stop you from sharing your knowledge and teaching, if you want that. All you need to do is acknowledge and understand your fear and anxiety, start small – maybe practice with your family or people you feel comfortable with, and then gradually move to bigger crowds. Always know that confidence in your knowledge and skills will help overcoming the fear.

This might sound crazy, but self-talk is extremely powerful when trying to silence that constant inner voice of failure. By saying “I am in charge” or “I can do this” (or whatever other power phrase that may work for you), you will achieve great results and eliminate your fears faster.

3. Break It Down

Your fear might be taking over when you have too big of a goal. Remember an example about fear of big dogs? It would be nearly impossible to make you feel fully comfortable next to a dog in several hours. But if you break that goal down into smaller steps, you will be able to manage: find a dog park, go to a dog park, observe dogs from distance, stand next to dogs, etc.

Take small steps first, get accustomed, and you will have a greater chance reaching your goal – overcoming fear.

4. Celebrate Success.

Whether your fear relates to business or life in general, you have to celebrate your victories. There is nothing more rewarding and motivating than acknowledging and celebrating your achievements.  

 To your Freedom! :)

What is Happiness to you? Do you truly feel Happy?

How to truly feel Happy. Happiness is inside of you!

I have to be honest with you, for a long time I did not know and I did not really pay much attention to what happiness really meant to me. At one point in life, happiness meant one thing, then something else, and eventually, my definition of happiness has totally changed over the years. Every one of us understands happiness differently, and that definition changes when we go through different stages in life. Happiness can be a great relationship with a friend or a significant other, financial stability, a new car, great health, abundance of friends, etc., you name it.

Here are a few examples of how people described to me what makes them happy...
*If I have money, I am happy.
*Financial freedom and security is happiness to me.
*Enjoying the process of doing what I like and seeing the results.
*Being happy is sharing my life with the love of my life and enjoying and appreciating that relationship every day.
*The inner peace and love inside me.
*To be able to breathe in fresh air on a sunny day.
*The meaningful yet simple moments in my life that I want to “engrave” it my brain. For example, I feel happy when I see a father playing with & teaching his son; I want to stop that special moment.
*An ice cream makes me feel happy.
*My kids are my happiness.
*I am happy when I see other people smiling, when I make a difference in their lives.
*It is the feeling of peace inside me.

If you look at these examples, you will see that a few of them are the moments that make us happy. One of my close friends was surprised when she told what made her happy because a few of the things she mentioned were moments in life. But I told her right there that the life consists of moments, many many moments, and if these moments make you happy, that is wonderful.

Quite a few people associate money and financial stability with happiness. Yes, I can see the reasoning behind this statement. However, the money is a tool to make your life better and easier. I do not really believe that it can truly make you happy though. You can be a millionaire, but if you feel anxious all the time, if you feel alone, or do not have true and loving people around you, no money in the world can buy that.

What happiness means to me is my inner peace, to be able to love, appreciate, and accept me in the present time and truly enjoy the journey. I am not saying that I do not need people around me, on contrary, I love people. I am saying that no one else can make me happy, if I am not happy inside. I strongly believe that no one and nothing can make YOU happy if you do not feel good inside, if you do not love YOU, if you do not appreciate and accept YOU the way you are.

I have learned through the years that it is really up to me how I feel. You can let/ allow external factors - other people or situations – affect and drain you emotionally or you can choose to feel good and be in charge of your own emotions. It is not always easy to do that, but not impossible; you can learn it. There will always be moments or situations when we truly do not feel good, and that is OK. What is important in those moments is to stop, acknowledge what is happening and bring yourself back up. Remember, you choose to be happy or miserable.

Happiness is a CHOICE. If you’re in a bad situation or negative space right now, it is not the end of the world. You CAN change that story. The change is possible.

At one point in my life, I hit the bottom emotionally & mentally, and I remember telling myself – this is it, I do not see the light, and I will never get out of the darkness. Do not take me wrong, I am not a quitter, but in the really bad moments, depression kicks in and all you feel is despair & hopelessness. Several months later I rose like a phoenix from the ashes, and you have no idea how proud I was of myself. I made that choice. I did not believe I could do that, but I did. I guess somewhere deep inside me I knew I am a good person, I make a difference in other peoples’ lives, I want to grow and learn things, and if someone does not like me, it is not my problem, it is theirs, (I am not a $50 bill to be liked by everyone), so my happiness will not be dependent on others.

Often we forget how much that choice can change our lives. It changed mine, and you can change yours too.
For the skeptics out there I have something to say... I was you, so I do know that it can be hard to believe in a better life, and that our habits or how we are used to think and see the world influence us. How you feel is a CHOICE. If you do not know how to change the thinking, you can definitely learn it; I did. You can read or listen to the books (there are soooooo many out there), talk to people who have gone through similar experiences, meditate, listen to the music that calms you down, use visualization techniques (our brains do not distinguish what is real or what is imagined), etc. You need to try things and go with what works for you, and when you do that, then you will get stronger and stronger at making the choice.

I used to say to myself, when I accomplish X, then I will be happy or when I have Y, I will be happy, or as soon as I reach a goal, I’ll be happy. But when we accomplish something, we feel that it is still not enough, then we want something else; our brain automatically reprograms for another task. This pattern of “as soon as” existed in me for a while. Then I realized that we all tend to postpone the happiness to the future, while it should be today – now. We need to be happy now in order to create and build what we want in the future. We should not be dependent on the past or how we used to doing things, so we should create and practice the feeling of happiness now if we want to be happy in the future.

As silly as this may sound, smile and tell yourself “I am happy” every day for the next 3 weeks. You will be amazed what happens.
I would love to hear your progress, so please share.




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What is holding you back from seeing the Reality?

About the Intuition and more

Some people are so scared to face the reality and see what is behind the curtains that they go against their strong gut feeling or intuition and choose to live in a bubble and believe whatever people throw at them. Moreover, many of us forget that we and people around us create our own reality and belief system, and do not even realize that our reality and beliefs can be easily shifted if we allow others to do that.

Often women are the victims of the lies because we are very trusting that our partners would tell us the truth no matter what. I am not saying that it cannot be the other way around, just that we as women tend to trust and believe the words we hear more than our intuition. Words can be so powerful that some of us lose the sense of what is real and what is not. It is not new that women are usually good at expressing what they are feeling, while men tend to be more closed up. So for us, women, when a man starts talking and expressing their feeling we want to believe every word they are saying because this is not a very common thing and we seek for communication and support.

But let's take a look how women are ignoring their intuition and why.

I know a lady, who I truly feel sorry for because her partner has lied to her for many years about how he really feels about her. Eventually, he betrayed her several times, and when she confronted him, he still was not able to tell the whole truth, but instead, he threw some good person under the bus to save his reputation and so the wife does not take the kids. He lied, and still does, about the feelings towards her and another person. Now they go to the couple's counseling, and he still continues the lying cycle. Since this man is very good at getting what he wants and influencing others, he still tells her that he loves her and wants to be with her, but the reality is that deep inside he wants nothing, but out. The only reason of this mascaraed is that he wants the kids, and he is committed to lying for the next several years.

You may ask... what about the woman? She is a very smart woman, but she is a believer and a somewhat insecure person. She believes everything he says to her. When a man learns how to show emotion along with the words he's saying, a woman believes everything despite the fact that the intuition says something different.

Some men find it difficult to communicate or express their feelings, while others are good at this and enjoy sharing. So a woman's task is to know her partner and interpret the words and feelings attached to the words correctly. In this example, the man is a very good communicator, but his ego and personal agenda do not allow him to share the true feelings and face the consequences of the truth. Therefore, he chooses the easier route - to blame others and continue lying. You may say that this is great example of manipulation, and I totally 100% agree, but this is a topic for the next time.:)

A lot of women have the ability to feel when something is off or wrong. Some of us just have an intuition or gut feeling, others have dreams, and in some cases we just know, but we cannot explain how. But how much do we really follow that intuition? It is very sad, but very little.

The fact is that this particular woman I mentioned above has a very strong intuition. However, she chooses to shut her intuition and go with the lies.

Wonder why?

Well, I can tell you my opinion. It is EASIER to be "blind" and think that another person has changed and that he or she is telling the truth. In this case, the woman is a strong believer in good reputation among the friends, and she will do anything to protect that. She chooses to be "blind" and stand by the "truth" that he created in her head. It does not matter that she has cried for months and still does sometimes and questions his true feelings, she still chooses to believe the fabricated words and actions because other possibilities might be too difficult to accept and deal with.

FEAR and many "What ifs" have such a huge power over us. What if my intuition is right? What if the man does not really love me? What if he has real feelings for another person? What if he leaves me? What if my life becomes worse? What if people judge me? What if I lose friends? What if...
The fear holds us back from facing the reality and makes us create the belief system to "protect" us.


The problem is that we are not the only ones creating our reality. Some people are very good at creating other people's reality, persuading about things that they want others to believe, and creating facts to support their words. After years of lying, such people become "professionals", and it is very hard for a human brain to distinguish the real truth from the lies. In the example above, the woman makes tons of excuses to believe the husband's lies rather than follow her own intuitions, and this is not because she is stupid, no, she is a very smart lady. She may not know how to do that, and she does not know how to love & accept herself.

Relationships is a very tough and touchy subject. In any relationship, you have to be in sync with yourself, love and accept yourself, believe your intuition, and be able to trust yourself in order to see the real picture. And if you don't, you will let the others to affect you mentally and emotionally. I strongly believe that it is important to be to true to myself and never stop growing as a person.

If you are "lost" in that the feeling of "something is off or wrong", do not disregard this feeling and pay attention to your inner voice. My advise is to keep digging and looking for clues WHY you allow others to blind and influence you so much, and I promise, if you are really determined, you will find the answers. I did not believe nor used my intuition for many years, but once I realized its power, the answers started coming to me and the situations became clear.

All that matters is the peace inside you!

Relationship, happy, reality, manipulation, controlling, peace, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, friend, lying, intuition, gut feeling, belief, believe, relationships, happiness

Are you ready to FACE YOU?

Are you ready to FACE YOU?

I am sure everyone has some relationship issues at one time or another. Some of us will settle to be in a bad relationship, while others choose to improve things or dig deep into their lives and make some big decisions.

Before you do anything, before you make any decisions, before you act, you need to understand what is really going on. Many, so called "experts", offer different step by step guides how to deal with certain issues or people who try to control or manipulate. The truth is that these steps usually work when you are in sync with yourself, when you truly acknowledge the situation, know what you want, and accept yourself.

Let's take a look at the controlling or manipulative relationships. Often the person who's being controlled stays in the relationship because she or he is scared that they will not be able to make it without that relationship, that their life can be worse or that others  may suffer if they choose what they really want, i.e. "out". If you are one of these people, the reality is that you are simply not ready to face the situation or accept and face you (yes, YOU), and dig really deep. We have to start with ourselves first. You may deny the truth to others, but you really need to be honest with yourself. If you're not honest with yourself, whatever you do will only make things worse. If you are in a bad relationship or simply are not happy with one, you need to understand why, what you really want, what you are not getting, etc. , and most importantly, what you are ready to do about it.

I have not believed in this for a long time, but when you start loving and accepting yourself, you start seeing people and situations in a different light. Then you are able to correctly evaluate the situations and realize who you really are and what you really want, what is working and what is not. Then you can tell the truth (at least to yourself) about what you really want for yourself, this does change your perspective and it does start changing your life. You simply accept yourself, and then you know (without anyone telling) what is best for you and what you need to do. I am not saying it is easy, but it is definitely achievable. No one and nothing can persuade you in anything until you give the permission to do so, until you allow someone else to make a decision for you.

I want you to understand one thing though. No matter how good or bad a relationship is, there must be something each person is gaining from staying in it. If you are in a bad relationship, I promise you, you will not do anything and make excuses until you can clearly see that you can actually be better off  without that relationship. This is the golden truth.

In the end, start with small steps. A small step towards self-discovery will eventually help you see the bigger picture.

with love,
Renata

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Controlling, manipulation, manipulative, relationship, how to deal, manipulative husband, manipulative spouse, manipulator, boyfriend, girlfriend, happiness

You and Your Relationships with people around you

Good morning, the World!

First, let me tell you why I decided to create this blog.
I have written many articles on business, people, relationships, travel, tips & tricks, etc. Some of them are at http://coachingforbestresults.com. However, in the past year, I have noticed that more and more people are searching for my articles that are related to relationships, especially not so healthy ones.

So I decided to dedicate this particular blog to the people who need support, who are looking for the answers to their questions, who want to grow and change their lives, who want to "see" the other side of their own reality, and find their own truths.

If you're looking for 4 steps to do this or 8 steps accomplish that, I doubt that you will find many of those here. What you're going to read here is articles and thoughts that are based on my own experience, on the experience of people around me, things that work or don't, and some solutions that you may play with and try.


I hope you join me on this venture and contribute to this blog by sharing your stories and opinions!

With love,
Renata

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